chezsnarko giornale Archive for October 2007

Funniest Thing I've Read All Week

posted by snarko on Tuesday, October 30 2007

NYC Stand-Up Comedian Angry re: Continental Airlines

"I have neither the time nor the inclination to drag a herd of oxen to the airport each time I need to conduct a transaction. And should you choose the more humane barter system of wife swapping, I wish you luck, but I fear it won't be practical outside of Utah."

Read the most recent blog by Mike Payne on MySpace. No, you probably haven't heard of him. I personally think him brilliant.

Zombies Storm the Capitol

posted by snarko on Monday, October 15 2007

Turn off your TV NOW!

AUSTIN TX: Thousands of zombies have taken to the streets... we have reports the virus released is triggered by radiation... oh, wait! TURN THE TV OFF NOW!

Oh, I haven't posted this on my own site yet? I was an extra in a zombie film. You have to, if you're from Pittsburgh and a Romero fan.

Okay, I saw it. It's the first thing I did after standing up again.

It's more for you Peter Jackson fans. If you think "Dead Alive" is funny, you'll laugh the whole way through this one. Tons of gore but obviously karo syrup. I mean obvious. And obvious baby dolls attacking people.

Called Zombabies, a ten-minute short film. Starting with a virus the government released, and triggered by radiation, no matter how little of it.

And a bunch of babies turn into zombies watching TV too long, since the tube was being used as a "babysitter". Us killing the whole Channel 7 (locals will know it's Fox) news crew is what they're watching.

No videos online until after the public premiere this weekend. It's in a contest/ short film festival showing before Romero's new film.

But what the heck was wrong with Saturday?!

Work was awful. I'm better but still in pain so smiling the whole time to the public is hard work. The manager's reasonable; she let me sit behind register rather than stand, and no heavy lifting. But then last minute of the day, the matboard cutter mysteriously won't work?

So I'm stuck cuz I'm closing (which I wasn't supposed to do but someone blew off). Then the frame guy gets a 2" piece of glass somehow rammed through the center of his hand...

We closed one hour past actual close time.

My hubby and I can't find the restaurant showing the film/where the party is. It's practically just across the freeway from us, but we keep circling... this is like 10PM and when the party was supposed to start when I wanted to hit it early cuz they had food and I hadn't eaten...

...and I keep having to argue, "No, Saint John's Street is SOUTH of here. Otherwise it wouldn't be on the bus route..." while he's driving way North not believing me until I finally remember it cuts straight through the mall. Just go to the mall and we'll find it.

Once we do, I'm like, "Oh, lights on the darn place would have helped." We wouldn't have passed it the first circle around if it was lit.

20 people had gathered at this point. The door was locked. ALL lights were out. People pressed their faces to the windows, and there was NO furniture.

The director--Justin Warren--gets there and is like "WTF?! I talked to them and reserved space three days ago!!!" Picked cuz they had food, beer, a big screen TV to show it on, and nearest where everyone lived.

Found out from a neighboring business the investors pulled out and shut it down two days ago. Justin never got a phone call about it.

80 people showed before any of the main crew people with a cellphone had a solution. "The Crowne Plaza Hotel across the freeway will take us!!! Go to the sports bar..." except someone had to run home for a DVD player, which they didn't have. I thankfully had a fat Sharpie on hand (I'm never without one*), and wanted to write the re-location straight onto the sidewalk, but they voted for paper.

I'd have written it myself (knowing it counts as "tag" and a felony here), I was so angry about it. The investors deserved it. No phone call to your existing clients?!?!?!

We were shocked a ritzy hotel was gonna let us play a zombie movie.

THE POOR BAR STAFF... I hope everyone tipped well. Three people busting arse to serve 100 both food and drink at this point. And we were all nervous about the people just there at the hotel hanging out having NOTHING to do with a zombie movie.

They LOVED it. Favorite scene, although it's really the credits bit, went to "Storming the Capitol". No one could stop laughing once they realized it was the Capitol.

And I found out what really happened with the cops when we first tried it...

We were rolling so I hadn't left character, but noted a cop coming at us real fast. All of us already had the attitude, "Tourists film it every day; so what if we're zombies..."

Apparently, first thing out of his mouth to Justin was, "What do you think you're doing, Romero?!" LOL!

And just asked we not climb anything, stomp on the flowers, or do anything no one else is allowed to do anyway. And called it into security to just let us through. It only took so long because he wanted to chat with Justin awhile... he was a huge zombie movie fan!

It ends with us bursting through the front door and actual tourists and politicians screaming. Awesome.

*I use said Sharpie to tag bad tags (like the "Give Up" series with a "Don't") and all "Join the Army" crap in poor neighborhoods.

The Vegan Roncinni

posted by snarko on Tuesday, October 9 2007

as close to a recipe (3-in-1 actually) as you're gonna get

Okay, my gift to the world... if you're the kind of cook that can follow a non-recipe. Y'all seriously love my cooking cuz it's right-brain cooking so a recipe is impossible.

What's a roncinni? My potluck slam-dunk. None will come home. And no one realizes they're vegan, nor cares.

Take a Sicilian meatball, wrap it in risotto, bread it, and deep-fry the whole thing. Serve with tomato sauce. Word stemming from "orange", cuz that's what it looks like in the end--an orange.

Now, let me go off on a couple of my standard Sicilian tirades:

A MEATBALL IS NOT A WAD OF MEAT! It's an artform with several things for your mouth to do. It has vegetables, herbs, spices, bread crumbs (essential), nuts, and other goodies (whim of cook) mixed into it.

SPAGHETTI SAUCE SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE SUGAR IN IT!!! If it does, It's a gross (and I mean yucky) short-cut to sweet that frankly will make Baby Jesus cry.

Nor should it have meat. That's called "lazy" for "meatball"; completely American. No proud Italian cook would dream of just throwing meat around in a tomato sauce.

RISOTTO IS MORE THAN RICE; it's a labor of love. A good one takes hours.

PESTO MEANS "TO POUND". Which I bring up cuz pounding releases essential oils and flavors that running through an electric food processor DOES NOT. If you want it right, beat it.

You will need a couple of special kitchen tools (or improvise) to do this right:

1. A deep fryer. You can put a bunch of oil in a pan, but a real one helps.

2. A hand "food processor". I cried when I got mine as a gift. It's a cylindrical strainer that comes to a point (round triangle) with a huge wooden pestle. When you pound cooked vegetables through it, the holes pass the "meat" of the vegetable, but catch the skins/seeds, where most of your bitters lie.

DA VEGAN MEATBALL:

Package of Gimme Lean, preferably sausage flavor
(don't put this in your bowl yet. put instead:)

Half red onion (whole if small), minced
Eight garlic cloves, minced
Half a red bell pepper, minced
Stalk of celery, thinly sliced
One carrot, shredded
3 Tbsp pignoli (pine nuts)
3 Tbsp dried Italian herbs
1 Tbsp dried or 3 Tbsp fresh minced parsley
2 Tbsp dried vegetable broth
Several grinds of fresh black pepper
8 grinds of sea salt (or crushed seaweed)
A pinch or three of dried red pepper flakes

Any other vegetables, nuts, or whatnot you feel like. Walnuts (crushed) are good. Green bell pepper's not half bad. Shredded zuchinni is nice but you might need more breadcrumbs due to natural water. Make it up.

Toss all this and look at the colors. If it feels like it isn't "orange" or "red" or "green" enough, add more of whatever you need to get there.

I said this was an artform. Actually by doing the "color" test, you're also balancing your vitamins and minerals, so don't knock it.

When happy with the veggies/nuts/herbs/spices, add the Gimme Lean and

1/4 cup+ breadcrumbs

Mash and moosh with your hands. If it isn't sticky enough to make "meatballs" out of (they should be fairly firm ones, not just barely sticking together), add more breadcrumbs until it is. This easily replaces all egg in original recipes. Add some Bragg's Amino Acids if it's too crumbly and won't stick for that reason.

Roll into balls (this is when you get your roommate or hubby to help) and set aside. Try to keep them under 1-1/2" each, or you'll cry later.

DA RISOTTO:

Stick this in a bowl:

2-3 cups Arborio rice
the rest of that red onion, minced
4 garlic cloves, minced
some Italian seasoning, whatever feels good
crushed dried mushroom, preferably porcini

Mix in another:

several cups of vegetable broth
several cups of dry white wine

This is why someone else is doing the meatball rolling. And you want a WOODEN SPOON or paddle if you have one:

Take the dry ingredients (including the rice), throw them into a non-stick pot, add enough olive oil to coat when stirred. It shouldn't be "swimming" in it, just coated well. Turn heat to high.

And stir. Don't stop until the rice gets a little transparent. Then turn heat down to like 1/4 of what it was, and add a cup of the broth/wine.

And stir. Don't stop until the rice just starts to "catch". (which at first will be quick). Then add more liquid.

REPEAT until the rice is "creamy" but el dente. The grains seriously won't just turn to mush this way... you're releasing the starch (causing the "creamy") but letting the rest cook.

Keep singing to it. Put on your favorite music and sing to it. Stir with that rhythm in mind.

This takes 1-1/2 to 2 hours, from experience. But tastes ten times better than a shortcut. Why I call it a labor of love.

DA SAUCE:

Since it's labor-intensive, make as much as you can at once, and freeze or can what you don't use...

As many tomatoes as you can get your hands on
Note quality but don't freak on it. If watery/bitter, you'll want more carrots. Mold? Just cut it off. No need to do anything but throw them in a pot.

Add to pot:

fistful of seasalt
carrots, diced, relative to quality of tomatoes
bunch of fresh basil
some olive oil
3 bay leaves
as much ground pepper as you like
any other veggies that sound good/you have on hand. Celery, red bell pepper, porcinni mushrooms, fennel, oh, never broccoli. Don't do it, or Baby Jesus will cry.
some veggie broth

Put a lid on it and turn to high. Check it now and again and stir if catching. You want the tomatoes to all burst, but not yet turned to total mush. Remove from heat.

Ladle into the "food processor" over a bowl until processor is full. Allow to sit until it stops draining/dripping natural juices.

This initial drain takes care of more than half the bitter that may occur from nastier tomatoes.

Taste the juice. Good? Keep it for soup stock later. Bad? DUMP IT you can't save it.

But you just saved your sauce.

After you dump the juice into a container for keeping else down the drain, beat the remaining vegetable with the pestle until it becomes fairly "dry" and you're left with nothing but the seeds and skins.

Pitch that, or put into your compost pile. Repeat until you finish all tomatoes on the stove.

Pour the tomato "meat" you made into a pot, and cook on low with either a "splash guard" or tilted pot lid (steam needs to be released), stirring occasionally, as long as you can. The longer, the sweeter.

DA RONCINNI:

Deep-fry the meatballs until golden-reddish in color.

Wrap each with risotto in your hands. Accordian music works best to help this along.

Roll each riced ball in breadcrumbs, until well-covered.

Deep-fry again, until orange.

Drain and serve with tomato sauce.

TA DA!

And now you know why people rather I make it... this is a delicacy not an everyday food.

I didn't qualify "Chicken"

posted by snarko on Thursday, October 4 2007

apology

I said it beat out, nearly, White and Nerdy. Funniest thing I watched ALL YEAR. I'm still dying over this.

White and Nerdy

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Thanks to Rachel Van Os for identifying the person I couldn't quite as DONNIE OSMOND. How funnier can you get?!