giornale Archive for November 2008

Austin Officer Declared Hero for Waking Residents

posted by snarko on Sunday, November 9 2008

snarko! unaware of guns; hears sirens

AUSTIN TEXAS: Sirens were heard at 4AM by most of the still-hearing population of the 2-3 for nearly an hour, according to reports, on November 6, in an attempt to chase down the remaining two thugs responsible for the shooting at the same location the night before.

"We're not sure if they're stupid enough to return to the scene of the crime or not, " said now-declared-hero, whose name has still not been disclosed by Police Chief Art Acevedo. "In the meantime, we think it's important to keep all the residents in this area aware there might be AK-47s in their neighborhood at 4AM, and to keep them awake during our mock chase. It was too fun last night to not do it again. Come on."

Residents outside the half-mile radius "no-walk stay-in-house" zone were still alerted by howling dogs for an hour, who can hear better, just to be safe.

snarko!, 37, a 2-3 resident that wound up with no sleep because the sirens kept her awake TOO long, said, "The sirens seemed to be coming from Briarcliff/290. Interestingly, the sound never moved."

"Just yesterday over coffee when I heard the sirens, I was like to Joey, 'Hey, why is there suddenly a shitload of sirens in our hood at all hours?' I thank the police officer--nay Hero--for reminding me why I should be so afraid of my own hood."

snarko! stated the day before--aware of nothing but sirens and black; no strike that: dark green helicopters--she successfully walked straight through the War Zone on her way to work, where seven schools had been closed.

"I had no idea," she stated. "Maybe if a police officer had tackled me, or kept me from going to work, I'd have realized my whole hood had been taken over by terrorists and stayed indoors."

Co-workers reported that snarko! was absolutely alive, despite being sick, when she came into work November 6.

"Yep, she looks tired," said her manager, whose name is being withheld from press. "But she's definitely breathing. I can't believe it, after walking through the same part of the hood I had to drive through."

While all schools were closed, Acevedo assured the public all malls in the area will stay open.

A man armed with an assault rifle and wearing body armor was shot and killed by a rookie police officer in an early-morning shootout on this city's east side on November 5. After leaving a residence where two people were shot and as of this writing in the hospital in stable condition but with no healthcare, their driver of the pickup truck, chased by our Hero, was stupid enough to crash into a pole near an abandoned hamburger stand.

Police hope to catch the remaining two suspects by re-creating the scene every night, though some reports state they're just drag-racing the Mexicans with souped-up Japanese cars.

[This is a version of the real story. I had to. They literally kept me awake two days.]